Through the Motions
by speedgriffongo
Summary: Death followed her. Her family, her colony, left in ashes on Mindoir; her friends and her squad, all 50 dead on Akuze. Nothing behind her held promise except for alcohol. Then she boarded the SSV Normandy. Bioware owns everything.
1. Day01

Carinne Shepard stood out in crowds. She was not a woman of remarkable beauty; rather, she was a battle-rugged woman who chose to let scars decorate her face instead of make up, short cropped hair that would never stay in one place, and little to no curves, having a body of pure muscle from years of Alliance and N7 training. She would glower at everyone, daring them to even come close to her if they didn't recognize her.

She didn't hate everyone, but she was highly mistrustful of nearly all the organic species she crossed, and would also shoot the non-organic ones before trying to negotiate with them. Nothing else worked quite like a bullet to the foot.

The only reason she was waiting at the port was because Anderson asked her personally to join his crew, and, as she saw it, she can't tell the man no. He adopted her in all but writing after Mindoir, got her away from the alcohol, and inspired her to join the Alliance. He was the reason she got into the N7 program, because her attitude toward any other human being was rarely more than a curt, forced politeness and it held her back.

Just as she was contemplating playing with her new sniper rifle to see how many asari she could terrify, her transportation showed up. An elderly woman, most likely the ship's medic, and a tall, dark-haired Marine stepped out of the Rapid Transit car.

"Commander Shepard?" the woman said, approaching with a smile. Carrine straightened and saluted. "At ease, soldier. No need to salute this old woman. I am Dr. Chakwas, and this young man is Lt. Alenko. We will be serving with you on the _Normandy_."

Carinne shook the hand that had been offered to her. "It will be a pleasure to serve with you, Dr., Lt." She released Chakwas's hand and cleared her throat. "No offense, but the sooner we're clear of this damn crowd, the happier I'll be."

The doctor laughed, grey hair falling back off her face. "Oh do I agree with you. Alenko, take us away."

"Yes ma'am," came the reply. Carinne helped the doctor into the car while the Lt. programmed it to take them back to the ship. She shut the door behind her as she got in. "So, Commander...why are you of all people joining us on the _Normandy_?"

"None of your damn business," came the short reply. She had no interest in making small talk with anyone until she had at least seen Anderson. This man, for some reason, unnerved her and she refused to let an inch of her guard down until she spoke to Anderson about him.


	2. Day02

Anderson had briefed her on the crew; all above-average Marines and crewmen, top of their classes and the highest ranking officials. This set off all her alarms, but Anderson could not yet tell her more about the mission because it involved a Spectre and the Council. He excused himself, and Carinne slowed traveled around the ship, memorizing every detail.

As she entered the navigation area, she passed Dr. Chakwas and an excited young marine. The man's - boy's? - face lit up, causing the doctor to shake her head and wave the commander over.

"Anything I can do for you, marine?" she said as the man saluted her. "At ease, soldier." After talking to them both for a few minutes, she excused herself to meet the pilot, passing a turian on the way. Quirking her eyebrow, she stopped behind the pilot's seat and folded her arms over her chest. To the right of the hat-wearing pilot was the Lt. she had met earlier that day.

"...but only an idiot believes the official story," the pilot scoffed. Carinne had lost focus and decided then was the best time to make her presence known.

"I agree," she frowned, watching the panels flying in front of the pilot. "There's something unusual when a Spectre's on board." The Lt. looked over his shoulder at her, eyebrow quirked. She glared back at him, causing him to chuckle and go back to his work. '_My glaring is funny? What the hell is wrong with him?_'

"Yep, Commander," the pilot said. As he opened his mouth to say something, Anderson's voice cut over the comm line ordering a status report. "Just cleared the mass relay, Captain. Stealth systems engaged. Everything looks solid."

"Good. Find us a comm buoy and link us in to the network. I want mission reports relayed back to Alliance brass before we reach Eden Prime," came Anderson's next order.

"Aye, aye, Captain," the man Carinne could now identify as Joker replied. "Better brace yourself, sir, I think Nihilus is headed your way."

She could her Anderson sigh. "He's already here, Lieutenant. Tell Commander Shepard to meet me in the comm room for a debriefing."

Joker shook his head. "You get that, Commander?"

"Yeah. I'll head down there now," Carinne replied. Taking one last glance to the Lt. on Joker's right, she turned on her heel and headed to the room behind the navigation map. Instead of finding Anderson, she met the backside of a turian.

Nihilus seemed to notice her presence and turned around. "Commander Shepard," he said, "I was hoping you would get here first, it will give us a chance to talk."

Carinne locked her hands behind her back, twitching to make sure she was within a millisecond's reach of her pistol. She didn't trust Spectres. "What about?" she snapped. The two made small talk about Eden Prime until Anderson arrived, and Carinne was not surprised to hear that they were going to the colony to recover something - a Prothean beacon, in this case.

"There's more, Shepard," Anderson said, "Nihilus isn't just here for the beacon. He's also here to...evaluate you." At the last part, Carinne's head snapped up and turned into an outright scowl. Nihilus watched her, not showing any emotion nor saying a word.

"And what the hell am I being evaluated for?" she spat out. "I believe I've proved myself several times over, And-_Captain_." She had to grit his title out through clenched teeth, her temper briefly getting the better of her.

"Shepard - Carinne - this is no insult to you. You're smart enough to know how things work, Commander; the Alliance has been pushing for this for a long time. Humanity wants a larger role in shaping interstellar policy; we want more say with the Citadel Council. The Spectres represent the Council's power and authority. If they accept a human in their ranks, it shows how far the Alliance has come." Anderson nodded at Nihilus, who looked like he wanted to speak.

"Not many could have survived what you went through on Akuze," Nihilus said, causing Carinne to bristle. "You showed a remarkable will to live, a particularly useful talent. That's why I put your name forward as a candidate for the Spectres."

Carinne effectively zoned out for the rest of the conversation, only nodding when she heard something along the line of orders of Eden Prime. Her reverie was only interrupted by Joker announcing a problem over the comm and a video came up on screen that took her attention.

"-get down, I said GET DOWN! -we are under attack, taking heavy casualties, I repeat, heavy casualties! W-we can'-Get evac! They came outta nowhere! We need-!" The feed cut shortly after the last man speaking died, and an enormous black ship showed itself descending on the colony.

"Status report," Anderson said in a clipped tone.

"17 minutes out, Captain. There're no other Alliance ships in the area," Joker responded.

Anderson was quiet for a moment. "Take us in, Joker, nice and quiet. This mission just got a lot more complicated."


	3. Day03

Jenkins was dead. The overly-enthusiastic young Corporal had rushed straight into the front line, no cover, against Carinne's order, and she had another marine's blood on her hands. She felt she had slightly redeemed herself by rescuing Chief Ashley Williams from her squad's massacre. Akuze was blaring in her mind from the second Jenkins died, and she refused to let Alenko anywhere out of her gun's range; she doubted he knew her reasoning. He found this odd, but did not find it right to question her - at least at that moment.

The three descended the staircase after clearing out the last of the husks and geth, and headed over to the railing to get a view of the colony.

"My God," Ashley muttered. "It's like someone dropped a bomb."

The Lt. stepped up beside her, nodding. "That must be where the geth ship landed."

Carinne stepped away as the two studied the view, and radioed Joker for a pickup. She noticed Ashley approach her and quickly mentioned the rescue to Joker over the comm and to have Anderson and Dr. Chakwas available as soon as they boarded.

That was when she noticed the Lt. had wandered over to the beacon, somehow activating it. Panic set into her as she shoved Ashley aside and raced over. '_I am _**_not_**_ losing another soldier on this fucking mission, I will _**_not_**_ allow it_!' She leapt the final few feet, knocking him to the ground as the beacon picked her up in his place.

"Shepard!" he cried out, barely being held back by Ashley.

"No!" Ashley yelled. "Don't touch her! It's too dangerous!"

Carinne could feel nothing but pain as a vision she couldn't decipher filled her head. Death, people screaming, fires...it looked like the apocalypse. She tried screaming, but the beacon had her fully paralyzed; she thought she heard her name, but she couldn't hold on to the noise as the static the beacon was causing became deafening. As the beacon overloaded, it threw her backwards, and she hit ground hard enough to crack it.

Alenko shoved Ashley off of him and raced over to her. "Commander! Commander Shepard! Answer me!" he called out, panic seeping easily into his voice. He lifted her head up and cradled it while Ashley contacted the _Normandy_, telling them to move quickly and that the Commander was unconscious.

- - - -

'_Am I hungover? Why the fuck am I on a medic's bed_?' were Carinne's first thoughts as she regained consciousness, screwing her eyes shut against the light next to her in the med bay.

"Dr. Chakwas! I-I think she's waking up," came a semi-familiar male voice. Using one hand to rub at her eyes and the other to push herself up, Carinne got herself into a sitting position to see that the voice did indeed belong to a very worried-looking Lt. Alenko.

Dr. Chakwas came into Carinne's line of vision, and she broke eye contact with Alenko to watch her. "You had us worried, Shepard. How are you feeling?"

'_Like I drank out an entire krogan bar_,' she thought, but decided against saying it, however accurate it was. "Minor throbbing. Nothing serious." She didn't want to tell them how bad it was; the less people worrying over her, the better. "How long was I out?"

"About 15 hours," Dr. Chakwas replied, lifting one eyebrow slightly. Carinne knew she didn't buy it. "Something happened down there with the beacon, we think."

Alenko walked up next to Carinne. She stared at him out of her peripheral vision as he crossed his arms over his chest and frowned. "It's my fault," he said. "I must have triggered some kind of security field when approached it. You just _had_ to push me out of the way."

"You make it sound like you didn't want me to have helped you," Carinne said coolly, her back straightening and her eyes narrowing just slightly. "Sorry, but I lost one soldier on that mission and I wasn't going to let that number rise."

A look of alarm flashed over his face. "Wha- no, that's not- okay, that's not what I meant," he explained. "How do you know YOU wouldn't have gotten killed? If I hadn't wandered over there, none of this wouldn't have happened, and you wouldn't be hurt."

Carinne let her posture relax. '_He's...actually worried? Been awhile since anyone other than Anderson and my ship's medic gave a shit about my health_.' "Don't blame yourself. You couldn't have known what might happen. Anyway, what happened to the beacon? Where is it?"

Alenko uncrossed his arms and stood next to Dr. Chakwas. "The beacon exploded, and overload maybe. It knocked you out cold; Williams and I carried you back here to the ship."

The slight blush on his neck didn't go unnoticed. '_Williams didn't help him. He's just embarrassed. Isn't that just adorable_,' she thought to herself sarcastically. '_Fucking great. Another one wanting in my pants_.' She forced herself to give him a small half-smile, however. "Thanks. I appreciate it." He nodded in acknowledgment.

"Physically, you're fine," Dr. Chakwas said, interrupting before the silence became awkward. "But I detected some unusual brain activity, abnormal beta waves." Carinne shifted, swinging her legs out over the edge of the bed to see Dr. Chakwas better. "I also noticed an increase in your rapid-eye movement, signs typically associated with intense dreaming."

"It wasn't a dream," Carinne said quickly. "It was war. A massacre. People...screaming, dying, begging for help, for someone to save them..." She rubbed the palms of her hands into her eyes. "It was more a nightmare. I can't make more sense of it than that." She could hear the whispers from the vision even as she recalled it, but it was no language that she recognized. She lost focus and only felt Alenko staring, studying her until Anderson came in to speak with her, dismissing the other two and leaving them alone.

He wrung his hands slightly as Alenko and Dr. Chakwas left the room. "That beacon hit you pretty hard. Are you sure you're okay, Commander? ...Carinne?"

She was quiet for a few moments before putting her feet down and standing, relaxing against the frame of the bed. "Physically? Yes. Mentally? Maybe. Emotionally? No. Jenkins died. I didn't know what the hell was attacking us. It was Mindoir and Akuze all over again. don't worry, I don't need a damn psych eval again, I just night a good night's sleep and something to wash my mind away."

Anderson frowned. "You're a damn hero in my book, Shepard, you know that, but you aren't getting a glass of alcohol here. I made this a dry ship."

Carinne groaned. "Really? Damn..."

Clearing his throat, Anderson continued. "Things look really bad, Shepard. The beacon is destroyed, Nihilus is dead, and the geth are invading. The Council is demanding answers."

"The Council can kiss my white ass, I didn't do a damn thing wrong!" she scoffed.

"Like I said, Shepard, you're a damn hero in my book. But one of their Spectres is dead and another is accused of killing him. That isn't going to make them happy."

Carinne sighed. "Because there's no damn way to win with them." She rubbed the bridge of her nose.

"He's working with the geth. That means he's gone rogue."

She smirked. "That means I can find a way to take him down."

Now Anderson was the one sighing. "It's not that easy. He's still a Spectre. Did anything unusual happen after the beacon caught you?"

"Yeah, I had some kind of vision. Death, destruction, screaming women, men, children, begging for their lives...your typical end of the world scenario. Second one I've seen, first one I haven't experienced first-hand." Anderson winced. "Sorry, that was uncalled for. There were a lot of synthetics, geth maybe."

He nodded. "Maybe we can present this to the Council-"

"And do what? Tell them I had a bad dream? As much as I'd like to, they'd say I'm full of crap, pat me on the head, and send me home. But we _can_ prove Saren's gone rogue. Somehow. We can make them take back his Spectre status."

"I'll contact the Ambassador, see if he can get us an audience with the Council." Anderson turned to leave, but as he was about to step through the door, he turned and looked back over his shoulder. "Carinne...be careful."

She smiled at him. "Aye, aye. You too, sir." After he left and she washed her face up, she headed out into the mess hall, stomach rumbling. She stopped short after seeing Alenko waiting not far from the door. "Alenko." He started, and looked up quickly. "Calm down, jeez. Why are you out here? No work?"

"Uh, no ma'am, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. You...you are okay, right?" he stammered out. She raised her eyebrow. "Ah, stupid question, of course you're okay. Losing Jenkins was...hard. I'm just glad we didn't lose you, too."

She softened a little. "This is the first time you've been in combat with someone under your ranking who died. I get it. It's not easy, and it never will be." She crossed her arms over her stomach, leaning on her left hip as she did so. "I appreciate the concern, Alenko, but I'm a soldier. There isn't much I don't think I can't get out alive of." An expression of confusion crossed his face. "I'm sure you've read my file, everyone seems to fucking know who I am. 'No, you're denied a private life because we want to throw sympathy at your feet!' Yeah, fuck the media."

"I wasn't trying to say anything along those lines, ma'am," he said, his voice much quieter as he stepped a little closer, not wanting other crew in the mess to eavesdrop. "I am - was genuinely worried about you. I'm sorry if I came across otherwise."

She stared at him, her face completely deadpan. '_He may actually not be kidding. Huh. I'll have to watch him._' "How - uh, I came out here for food. Do you...want to join me?" '_Fuck. Get it together. You're a grown woman_.'

A smile spread on his face. "Sure thing ma'am. Biotics can always eat." He went off to grab whatever was being served at the counter while she sat down at the corner of the table.

'_He's biotic? How did I not notice that in combat?_' She knew the answer, but didn't want to admit it; she had been more concerned with protecting him and making sure she didn't lose another soldier than she was adjusting to fighting alongside him.

Soon enough, he arrived with the food. "Uh...thank you," she coughed awkwardly, feeling guilty for not getting her own because he carried three plates for himself. "Got enough food there, Alenko?"

He laughed. "Ma'am, I'm an L2 biotic. We're _always_ hungry. And feel free to use Kaidan. If it's not too informal."

She shrugged, digging into her food at the same time he did. She studied him, from the dark hair that she first noticed to the way his ear twitched every time a slight noise was made somewhere in the ship level. He looked back up and caught her staring, but made no move to break eye contact or call her out on it; he simply smiled at her and kept eating, and she did the same, not one to back down from a challenge.

"So what happens now? I have a feeling there's more to this than just a shakedown run," he finally said after taking a swig of water.

Carinne broke the eye contact to rub at the bridge of her nose again. "I don't know. Anderson wants to meet with the Council, get some answers, point some fingers." She snorted. "I have to deal with politicians. Fuck. I don't like dealing with things I can't shoot to make them shut up."

"Just sit there and nod at anything you can't eat or kill?" came a mouthful of advice. Carinne looked at him and burst out laughing, startling the crewmen at the other end of the table. "What? Oh, come on."

"I'm sorry. It's gotta be a few years since I've laughed at anything that wasn't trying to curse me out or threaten me while it was dying," she smiled, calming down. She was completely thrown off; people were normally terrified of her, and reacted the way the crewmen did when she so much as breathed in their direction.

And this just made her confused.


	4. Day04

Carinne hated being on the Citadel. It was the home of too many, it was too crowded for her tastes, and everything smelled like a hospital.

But what she hated most about it was the fact that it was home to three stupid people of three races that had their thumbs up their asses.

Of course, she was talking about the Council. Along with Saren, they essentially laughed at her to her face and told her she was being crazy. Not in those terms, but that was how Carinne heard it and that was what she was convinced of.

On her way to the medical ward, she paused by a windowsill to collect herself and get a grip on her patience. Ashley and Kaidan came up beside her, Ashley in the middle and still wearing that garish pink and white Phoenix armor. Carinne decided she would have to do something about that; it stuck out too much in battle.

Kaidan had smile on his face while looking out over the Citadel arm. "Big place."

Ashley smirked and quirked an eyebrow at him. "That your professional opinion, sir?"

Carinne snorted. "This isn't a station, it's a city. Bigger than anything I could have imagined living planetside."

"There must be millions here," Kaidan murmured, eyes sweeping over the view. "It can't be possible to track everyone coming and going."

"This makes Jump Zero look like a porta-john," Ashley commented, "and it's the largest deep space station the Alliance has."

Kaidan's view stilled on some distant location; Carinne noticed he didn't look very focused on the conversation, more lost in memories. "Jump Zero was big, but this is a whole 'nother scale. Look at the ward arms, how do they keep all that mass from flying apart?"

"...super awesome alien super glue?" Carinne offered, causing the other two to laugh. She smiled a little, but softly sighed. Ashley didn't notice, but she was certain her Lt. had. '_My LT? No. Don't do that._' she thought to herself. "The Council represents more races than I thought. No wonder they're careful with newcomers. Especially since they don't want to jam their heads up their asses anymore than they already have."

Kaidan nodded, pushing himself up off from leaning on the railing. "They probably just want to keep everything running. It has to be hard keeping all these cultures working together."

Ashley frowned, a note of disdain creeping into her voice. "Or maybe they just don't like humans." Carinne shoved that into her mental notebook; she would have a discussion about her opinion on non-humans once they were back on the _Normandy_.

"Well, what's not to like?" Carinne offered, trying to get something out of the Chief. "We have oceans, beautiful women, this emotion called _love_," her inflection on the word causing Ashley and Kaidan to laugh. "According to the old vids, we have everything they want."

"When you put it like that, there's no reason they wouldn't like you," Kaidan said, his voice quiet. It was obvious he didn't mean to be heard but he wasn't quite quiet enough. Ashley shot him an amused look, and Carinne raised her eyebrow in amusement at him as his eyes widened when he realized he slipped up. "Uh, I mean, us. Humans. Ma'am."

"You don't take much shore leave, do you LT?" Ashley smirked, holding back laughter.

Carinne chuckled. "All right, laugh it up, Chief. I appreciate the thought, Alenko, but we're on duty here."

Kaidan looked like he wanted to crawl into a vent shaft; this amused the commander to no end. "Uh, aye, aye, ma'am."

Carinne glanced at Ashley, who shot her a smirk and nodded. The game had been started. The goal? To embarrass Lt. Alenko as much as possible.

- - - - -

Garrus was...interesting. To Carinne, it seemed like he had much to learn, but was skilled enough to offer her team something, and he wanted Saren dead. That was good enough reason for her.

With directions from him and the krogan, Wrex, she took off towards the alley where the quarian was supposed to be. Garrus wanted to stay with the doctor to make sure she was okay, so Carinne left Ashley there as a guard, and took Wrex and Kaidan to find the quarian.

After only a minute or two of running, they found the right alleyway just in time to see a turian harassing who Carinne assumed was the quarian they were looking for. In a matter of seconds, a fight broke out, and she ducked behind a crate at a drone went out, flattening the two coming up to flank the quarian. Carinne had her pistol in hand, and took out one of the two firing at the quarian. As soon as Wrex signaled the all clear, she headed out to meet the one they had been looking for.

"Fist set me up!" the quarian snarled, her own fists clenching and unclenching. "I knew I couldn't trust him!"

Carinne nodded, holstering her pistol at her left hip. "Were you hurt in the fight?"

The quarian sighed, seemingly exasperated. "I know how to fight for myself. Not that I don't appreciate the help," she quickly added. "Who _are_ you?"

Carinne locked her arms behind her back. "I'm Commander Shepard of the Alliance, and I'm looking for evidence against Saren. I'm out to prove that bastard a traitor."

The quarian nodded. "Then I have a chance to repay you for saving my life. But...not here. We need to go somewhere safe."

"We could take her to the human embassy," Kaidan suggested, looking at Carinne. "Udina would want to see this, anyway."

Carinne snorted. "All I want to do is shove my boot up his ass, I hate politicians."

Wrex brightened at this. "Can you eat him?"

"I think I would get food poisoning, Wrex," she laughed, beginning the trek toward a Rapid Transit station to get to the embassies. She may not be a people person, but she understood krogans, and she made a point to be familiar with her team above all else.

The Transit ride didn't take long, and soon they were waiting to be called in to Udina's office. When she walked in, she was met with him shaking her head at her. "You're not making my life, easy, Shepard. Fire fights in the wards, all out assault on Chora's Den, do you know how many-" he stopped dead in the middle of his rant at her, choosing to stare at the quarian for a second. "Who's this?" he asked bitterly. "A quarian? What are you up to, Shepard?" Anderson, who walked up beside him, sighed, and nodded to Carinne to explain.

"Making your day, Ambassador," she grinned, giving him her best impersonation of seeming feral. He grimaced, and it thrilled her that her little ploy worked. She heard Kaidan cough down a laugh behind her and heard Wrex grunt. "She has information on Saren and the geth."

"Really?" Udina said, light sarcasm present in his voice. He hated dealing with Carinne as much as she hated dealing with him. "I guess you better start from the beginning, then, miss..."

"My name is Tali," the quarian said. "Tali'Zorah nor Rayya." She continued to explain that she was on her Pilgrimage when she came across a group of geth, and that she salvaged part of a memory core. The audio on it held a voice that clearly belonged to Saren, and a female partner who no one recognized. It also spoke of the Reapers, bringing a collective temporary silence in the room.

"That...vision," Carinne said slowly, pieces clicking into place, "the one from Eden Prime, it has to be the Reapers attacking the Protheans. It all makes sense." Udina looked at her like she had absolutely lost her mind, Anderson was confused, and she guess Kaidan's and Wrex's reactions weren't much different, although Kaidan may understand. "Don't give me that shit, Udina, I'm not fucking crazy."

"Commander," Anderson snapped at her.

She shut her mouth. "Sir."

"The geth revere the Reapers as the pinnacle of non-organic life," Tali continued, a little uncertainly. "They believe Saren can lead them to the Reapers."

Udina sighed, crossing his arms over his chest. "The Council is just going to _love_ this."

"They HAVE to believe us about the Reapers," Carinne said, determination showing. "They have to believe me."

"At the very least, this will prove that Saren is a traitor," Anderson added.


	5. Day05

Carinne locked the door to her cabin behind her, and sat down heavily on her bed, head supported by her hands. She had been deemed the first human Spectre, and that forced Anderson to step down and hand his ship over to her. He did so with a smile, but she didn't buy it, not one bit. She knew the man too well. Yes, she knew he would do anything in his power to help her succeed - he was practically her father - but...it didn't feel right.

She sighed. Moping in frustration was unlike her, and it wasn't going to help solve anything. The crew needed to plan for the mission, and they needed to figure out where there were going to head first. Shutting herself in her head was the easiest solution until she could punch something in the exercise room (also known as the area by the Mako), and she headed out to get Joker to announce a debriefing in 5.

Joker craned his neck to see who was approaching, and grinned when he saw the commander. "Aw, well if it isn't our little Spectre!"

Carinne glared at him. "Call me little and I break all your brittle little bones, Joker. Announce a debriefing in 5." As he punched in the announcement for the VI to say, she rubbed the bridge of her nose. "What destination is closest to our current location?"

Joker frowned, scratching his head in thought. "Uh...Therum is probably closest, in the Artemis Tau Cluster. And that's where Benezia's daughter is supposed to be. Getting to her fast would probably work in our favor. Plus, asari are hot," he smirked at the last part.

Carinne groaned. "Keep your porn to yourself, Joker."

"Aw, Commander, you're gonna let me keep it? Nicest commander I've ever had," he grinned up at her.

She rolled her eyes. "Get back to work, flyboy." As he turned back around, Carinne walked back around navigation to head into the comm room to wait for the rest of the ground team. They trickled in slowly, Kaidan being the first and taking the seat to her immediate right, with Ashley not far behind and sitting beside him. Garrus, Tali, and Wrex followed in shortly, all on the opposite side of the room. "Okay," she said, clearing her throat, "we're headed to the Artemis Tau Cluster first to find Dr. T'Soni. We need to find her before Saren does and we need whatever information she may have."

"What if she is working for Benezia?" Garrus asked, mandibles flaring a bit, which Carinne took to be a frown. "We could be walking straight into a trap."

She shrugged. "We've gotta try. There are gonna be a lot of groundside geth, so I'm taking three of you with me. Two will be with me on the ground, and one of you will be with the Mako in case we need to make a quick exit and get back to the Normandy." She looked up, sizing up her team. "Garrus, you man the Mako. Tali and Alenko, you're on shore party. I need you guys to hack anything that gets in the way and has a flashlight for a damn head. Dismissed." They stood to go, and Carinne craned her head up to the speaker. "Joker, what's our ETA?"

"3 hours, Commander," he replied. "Unless you let me make her dance, and we can get there in 2."

"No, Joker, you're not pulling crazy shit on my ship."

He snorted. "Your ship. Yeah. Okay. She's my baby. _Miiiiine._"

- - - -

Therum was a lava planet. This terrified the shore party because they soon realized Carinne was a horrible driver on anything but a flat surface. They also discovered that, though she may wear a helmet at all times, Tali can certainly scream, and it makes the Commander laugh.

"Commander," Kaidan said uneasily, "why are we stopped?"

Carinne had pulled the Mako to a halt on the crest of a small hill, and had moved the navigation map Tali and Garrus were using closer to her. "There's a geth armature or two right over this hill. They haven't seen us yet, and I'm pretty sure if I get a missle in between them and crash onto them, we'll get 'em solid."

"Oka-wait, we're going to jump off a hill onto geth!" Tali exclaimed, shock evident in her voice. "Shepard, are you insane?"

She didn't look up from the map, but smiled and made a pinching motion with her right hand. "Just a little bit, I think. Just enough to make me not second-guess myself. Comes in handy with adrenaline rushes." She slid the navigation map back over to Garrus and Tali, satisfied with her plan. "Alenko, are the missiles ready?"

He swallowed audibly. "Yes, ma'am. Ready to aim and fire."

She crept the Mako up the slight incline left to fire the main cannon and locked the vehicle into place. "Now!" she ordered, and Kaidan fired two quick missiles in between the armatures, heavily damaging both and creating confusion. She threw the Mako into high gear and gunned it off the top of the hill, sending the land rover flying and making Tali scream again. The landed on top of the two geth, eliminating both as Carinne ran them over to make sure they weren't getting up again. She laughed once they pulled off to the side.

"Shepard?" Garrus said. "Please don't do that again. You're terrifying on a good day, no need to go all-out on us."

Carinne grinned, reclining as much as she could in the driver's seat. "Who cares? That was _awesome_!"

"Commander," Joker cracked over the Mako's comm line, "I'm getting some really weird readings, like off the damn charts, a few clicks north of you. Be careful. Oh, and no more stunts in the Mako. We're watching the feed here from the interior cameras and you're fucking crazy."

"Shut up, Joker," she smirked. "I'm Commander fucking Shepard, I drive however I want. How much are you picking up?"

"Too much, it's messing with our radars bad."

"We'll kill 'em all," she said, maniacal grin on her face.

- - - -

After dealing with the amount of geth the dropship produced, dealing with a Juggernaut, and dealing with drones inside the excavation site, Carinne was convinced her assault rifle was her best friend. It took a lot to overheat and fired quickly, and it was extremely reactive to position changes. Considering she was usually the brute force of her shore parties (unless Wrex was there, then they had killstreak competition), this was a great thing to happen.

Alenko and Tali were now with her, as no one could get the Mako through the rock crevice. Garrus had radioed for its pickup and the other three headed to the main site. They were now in the ruins trying to figure out how to get Dr. T'Soni out of whatever Prothean cage she had activated. Alenko suggested trying to use the mining laser he could see on a lower level, and so they headed down to the elevator to activate it. The area was quickly cleared while Tali got the laser working, blasting a massive hole into the ground and causing the room to shake.

Carinne had a very uneasy feeling about this, like she was being watched. She noticed Kaidan giving her a questioning look while Tali activated the elevator, and she sighed. "Is it just me or does it feel like someone's keeping track of us?"

He nodded. "It does. And that's never a good thing."

The elevator came to a stop behind Liara, and Carinne sent Tali to deactivate it while she and Kaidan held guard in case any more geth showed up.

"How-how did you get in here?" the asari said, startled at how soon they had gotten to her. "I didn't think there was any way past the barrier.

"Don't worry about that," Carinne said as Liara touched down to the ground. "There's a battlemaster around here somewhere, and I don't really feel like fighting a krogan right now. Let's move out, we can question each other's motives back on the _Normandy_. If it helps, we used the mining laser."

The ruins shook, causing Liara to pitch forward a bit, but Kaidan caught her before she hit the ground. "Ah, thank you. That must have triggered a seismic event." She straightened herself up once the tremors ceased, and brushed the little bit of dust off her clothes. "We need to get out of here, quickly."

'_Didn't I just say that?_' Carinne thought, signaling for Tali and Kaidan to keep Liara in the middle as she stood in front, activating the elevator panel. She knew the three of them were chattering behind her, but she paid them no mind. She was still worried about the battlemaster that was somewhere in the ruins, and if she knew krogan, he wouldn't pass up the chance to fight her. She radioed Joker as the elevator was moving. "Joker, get the _Normandy_ up and going, and lock in on my signal, on the double!"

"Aye, aye, Commander! ETA eight minutes," he responded.

Carinne cursed. Eight minutes was too long. She pulled her assault rifle and signaled for the rest of her team to take cover Liara as the elevator slammed into a stop and they were greeted by the battlemaster she was worried about. She didn't give him time to speak, instead aiming her assault rifle at his face. "Is there a reason you're in my way?" she snarled.

"The same reason you're here," he said, pulling out his own weapon and advancing on Carinne. "The asari."

She snorted. "Yeah, how 'bout you go fuck yourself? I bet it'd be a spectacle, you two-balled beast."

The battlemaster roared, preparing himself to charge Carinne. She dropped into a crouch and prepared to do the same. She heard Kaidan screaming at her to fire, but she paid him no mind. The battlemaster charged her, and she did the same, using the momentum from the jump from her crouch to slam the butt of her assault rifle into the krogan's eye before head butting him, sending him stumbling backwards. She felt biotics shoot past her and he was lifted into the air; she unloaded a full clip into him before the body crashed onto the elevator. Tali had taken care of the geth.

The barrier shimmered then collapsed, and the rest of the ruins followed suit. "Come on!" she yelled at her team. "Move, move, move!"

Tali led the group, with Liara behind her, and Kaidan and Carinne bringing up the rear. Carinne was ignoring the blood dripping down her face where she had head butted the battlemaster, and realized she likely had a concussion from it because of her swimming vision. She stumbled and clutched the railing for support.

She flinched as someone slung her arm over a shoulder, and another supported her around her waist. "Dammit, Commander, I _told_ you you should have fired at him," Kaidan gritted out through his teeth. "C'mon, I can support you."

Slightly in shock, Carinne allowed him to lead her out of the cavern, exiting just as the _Normandy_ touched down.

- - - - -  
>The mission debriefing was set for a half hour after the ground team boarded. Kaidan forced Carinne to go straight to Dr. Chakwas, who was absolutely livid that she head butted a krogan without even a helmet on.<p>

"What were you _thinking_!" she sighed, completely exasperated and stitching the last bit of the gash on Carinne's skull up. "_Were_ you thinking! That could have killed you, Commander! I'll take in a wounded soldier any day, but most of you don't go in _charging_ a krogan battlemaster like you yourself are a krogan."

Carinne smiled at the older doctor. "It was so much fun though! The swimming vision part and the bleeding, not so much, but you should've seen him! He couldn't believe a human was willing to face him head on!"

Dr. Chakwas sighed. "You, Commander, are a very unique case. I have a feeling I won't be bored on this ship." She sighed, stepping away to clean her hands. "Off you go, just don't go head butting Wrex every chance you get."

Carinne hopped down from the med bay bed, and she and Kaidan headed down to the comm room for the debriefing. She coughed. "Uh...thanks for that. Y'know. For the helping me. And yeah."

He smiled. "Never a problem, ma'am. Although it would be best for all of us if you didn't do that on a regular basis."

She snorted. "Me? Getting into trouble all the time? You must have me confused with a different Shepard."

"Uh, I doubt that, ma'am. A lot."

They entered the room to see everyone in the seat they were in previously, with Liara in between Garrus and Wrex, who came up to Carinne and clapped her on the shoulder. "Shepard, you would make a fine krogan!" he bellowed.

She grinned, and clapped him on the forearm. "Damn straight, Wrex." He laughed, and Carinne and Kaidan continued to their seats.

"Too close, Commander," Joker bit over the intercom. "Ten more seconds and we would've been swimming in molten sulfur. The _Normandy_ isn't equipped to land in exploding volcanoes, they tend to fry our sensors and melt our hull. Just for future reference," he said, adding an extra dose of sarcasm in the last bit.

Liara looked appalled. "We almost _died_ out there and your pilot is making jokes?"

Carinne smiled. "Ah, that's just Joker being Joker. He did save us, give him a break."

A discussion began about Liara's knowledge of the Protheans, or rather, the lack thereof, as she had found nearly everything of theirs to have been wiped off the timeline. When the beacon was mentioned, Liara was startled, and a brief look of jealousy crossed her expression.

"Commander," she said, rising out of her seat, "could you make any sense of the beacon's message?"

Carinne snorted. "Aside from the screaming and the smell of burning flesh? No, not really," she said darkly. "I've seen more than enough of that for one lifetime, wish this wasn't in my brain too." She snapped her jaw shut, realizing she said a little more than she'd intended to, and avoided the questioning glances from the majority of her team.

"I...I could join my consciousness to yours, Commander, with your permission," Liara continued, "and maybe I could decipher some of the vision."

Carinne swallowed, uncertain. "This won't cause any damage, correct?"

The asari nodded. "The worst you will feel is a little fatigue and perhaps a light headache."

"Alright. Let's get this over with." Carinne fell into a parade rest in the center of the floor as Liara approached her.

"Commander," she said, "relax, and embrace eternity!"

The vision danced in front of her eyes again, a little clearer and a little more coherent than the last time. In her opinion, this made it worse; she could feel the terror coming from the victims, the screams stood out more...everything stood out more. After a few moments, she felt the connection break and she saw Liara stumble back a bit. Carinne's legs were braced, and she refused to let herself show any more weakness.

"That was...incredible," Liara said, breathless. "All this time, all my research, and I - I never dreamed..." She shook her head. "I am sorry, the images were so vivid, I never imagined the experience would be so intense. You are _remarkably_ strong-willed, Commander. What you have been through, what you have seen, would have destroyed a lesser mind." Carinne sensed Kaidan and Ashley tense behind her.

"So, get to it, what did you find?" Ashley demanded.

"The beacon you encountered on Eden Prime must have been badly damaged," Liara answered. "Large parts of the vision are missing. The data transferred into the commander's mind is...incomplete. You were right about the Reapers."

The team discussed where they should go from there before Liara mentioned she felt faint, and Kaidan offered to take her to see Dr. Chakwas. She dismissed her crew, and turned to deal with the Council.


	6. Day06

The occupants of the mess hall looked up in alarm at Commander Carinne Shepard storming through, cursing under her breath until she reached her cabin. Kaidan paid no attention to her until he heard thumping noises through the steel wall behind him. He assumed she was kicking the hell out of her wall.

Hands began raising into the air, in the classic '_whoever's last to notice has to go in_' fashion. Kaidan was too preoccupied with his console to notice and his plea of getting Dr. Chakwas were ignored. Sighing, he logged out of his station and knocked on the sealed doorway.

Carrine swore, pulling up her 'Tool and letting the door slide open. "What?"

"Requesting entry, Commander," he said. Carinne blinked at him then motioned for him to step in. She locked the door after he entered. "We uh...heard you slamming the wall-" that was an understatement, the wall had a massive dent in it - "and we were concerned, ma'am."

She snorted. "Fucking Council. Alenko, you can sit, I'm not going to kill you."

"Just being formal, ma'am." He was a bit uncertain, but took to her indirect order and sat on the chair across from her bed. "What happened with the uh...with the Council? If you can talk about it."

Carinne ran her hands through her hair as she stood. "They're scared shitless that T'Soni's on the ship. They think she might be working for Benezia." She snorted in a short laugh. "It's impossible. The girl's too rebellious against her mother. Too much resentment there for them to work together. That and there's some 'very important event' they're ordering me to go to. Fucking politics. I can't shoot politicians." She looked at him. "Why can't I shoot politicians? _Why_ does that have to be illegal?"

Kaidan swallowed. "Uh, because they normally aren't armed and trying to kill you?"

"Gah!" she spat as she started pacing. "I can handle krogan. I can kill a squad of batarians with a pistol and my bare hands. And I can't deal with politicians. This is ridiculous."

"...a squad of batarians, ma'am?" Kaidan asked. Carinne froze in her footsteps, gaze pinned to the ground. "I'm sorry, Commander. I shouldn't have said anything."

She sighed, sitting back down on the bed across from him and resting her chin on her hands. "No. It's fine. I need to stop reacting that way."

"Ma'am, can I say something? Off the record?"

Carinne smiled a little. "Kaidan, I keep an open-door policy with my crew. If it's just you and me and it's not a debriefing, you can consider any conversation off-record."

"Not being able to deal with things is human, ma'am," he said carefully, not wanting to make her freeze up again. "You may be our Commander, but you don't have to have that guard up all the time."

Carinne was quiet for a few moments, thinking how best to respond. She was still uneasy about the fact she felt like she could talk to Alenko like a human being instead of Commander-to-Lt. "When Mindoir was attacked, my brother shoved me into the cellar with him and locked it. We were hoping that it was hidden enough that the batarians wouldn't be able to find it, but panicked 16 and 18 year olds weren't much of a match for two squads of armed batarian slavers." She swallowed, staring at her knees. "They smashed the hatch open, and we fought them tooth and nail. He drove a hammer into one's skull, and I grabbed that one's gun, but then one of the others shot him straight in the head. Dead instantly. I flew into a rage, shooting them with the one pistol I had, and I strangled the one that shot my brother with my bare hands. Anderson was the first one to find me, covered in blood and shaking, surrounded by batarian bodies. He pretty much adopted me. The rest isn't pretty, but it's history. I don't have a great past. I don't know why I'm telling you all this, but I get the feeling life didn't give you anything on a silver spoon, either."

She watched him as he tried to decide how to react from the story and her statement. "I went through BAaT, ma'am," he said, a little cautiously, "so you're right there. You either did well or you died with they way this one turian, Vyrnnus, trained us."

"Well, you must've been on the same boat as a bunch of others. You couldn't have been there alone, found ways to...occupy your time."

Kaidan frowned. "There were others, and yes, we had our little group, but I don't do things like _that_ lightly, ma'am."

"Hm. Pegged you right on that one," she smirked. "You're not telling me the full story, but it can wait. I gotta get this file sent to Anderson about the banquet thing. I don't know how this went from that to baring my soul." She looked down and started going through the datapad as Kaidan stood to walk out, but she called his name right as he opened the doorlock. "Alenko. Thanks."

He smiled back at her. "Any time, Commander." He walked back into the mess hall to stares from everyone. "What?"

"Dude," one of the engineers laughed, "you guys were in there for a while."

"Grow up."

The intercom buzzed above them, signaling for the midnight to come up deck and take over; Joker was the only person who worked both. Kaidan's 'Tool beeped right before he got into his sleeper pod. Carinne had sent a message to him and Joker:

'_We have to go look pretty for the Alliance tomorrow. Dress blues and be at the airlock by 20.00. Get us to the Citadel, Joker._'


	7. Day07

Carinne sighed, staring into the small closet she had in her cabin. The Council banquet she and Anderson, along with her two crew-member escorts, were being made to attend to represent the Alliance began in four hours. They had just arrived at the Citadel and she had no idea where to begin when it came to dressing up, as she was not allowed to wear her dress blues on this occasion.

She had two options: go against orders and wear her dress blues anyway, or wear the black dress Anderson had sent her. Rubbing her face with her hands, she grabbed the dress before she changed her mind and went to put it on. A few minutes later, she checked in the bathroom mirror to make sure everything fit fine; the dress hugged the few curves she had and hit right above her knees, one shoulder hanging loosely and the other nonexistent. At least Anderson knew her well enough to not send her a long dress - she wouldn't wear anything that would restrict her fighting ability severely.

She gave up on make-up and went for brushing her hair. Refusing to accept she has to wear heels yet, she strapped on a pair of old combat boots and put everything else she needed into a backpack Joker would be carrying. Grabbing her pistol, she left the room.

Kaidan was waiting for her right outside the door. Instead of dress blues, he had donned a simple black and white suit and a smile. She smiled as she noticed he'd attached his pistol to his hip as well.

"Ma'am," he said, greeting her with a salute. "You should've told me combat boots were an option, I would've worn mine."

Carinne snorted. "They're not. I'm just refusing to wear the bastard spikes in this backpack."

He laughed, and was about to say something else when Joker cut in over the comm. "Commander, if I have to go, let's go. We can start getting drunk early so I can sit through this thing in peace."

- - - - - - - -  
>Two hours into the banquet, and Carinne wanted to go crawl into a hole. Anderson didn't miss the fact she was in combat boots and took them from her, ignoring her cursing and making her wear the stiletto heels, so her feet were screaming bloody murder because she was not used to wearing shoes like that. Joker was smashed and hiding it fairly well, Kaidan was paying attention to the asari speaking onstage, and Anderson was with Udina making friends with other politicians.<p>

She excused herself after the asari finished speaking, needing to get away from being around so many people and to pull herself together.

Her thoughts had been jumbled since she walked out of her cabin on the _Normandy_. '_Why am I getting so flustered over this?_' she thought to herself, leaning on a railing and covering her face with her hands. '_It's like I'm 16 all over again. I can't do this._'

She stiffened as she heard footsteps falling behind her and she recognized the pattern of them. A few seconds later, Kaidan joined her in leaning on the railing. "Commander," he began, "are you alright?"

Carinne sighed. "No. I hate these things. Too many people in there for me to be comfortable. And I'm stuck in this. Never thought I'd say it, but I miss my hardsuit."

Kaidan chuckled. "There's nothing wrong with that, ma'am. Although what you have tonight is even better." Carinne stared at him, one eyebrow arched. "What? I don't know about you, but I'm getting mixed signals here..."

She smiled. "Maybe another time, but with everything going on..."

Kaidan stood and faced her; she did the same. "Commander...Shepard, I know not to let things get in the way of duty. But you're a hard woman to walk away from."

Carinne shook her head. "Alenko, if you're doing this just to kiss ass, I swear I'll-"

"Shepard," he said sharply, taking a step towards her. "Carinne. I don't do something like this lightly. I know there are regs. I never said I would cross them. But I won't step away from this unless you tell me to."

She stared at him. "What happened at BAat?"

A look of surprise crossed his face. "What? Why are you bringing this up now?" he said, hurt slightly evident in his voice.

"Trust me enough to tell me your story and that's all I need to know," she said, voice quieter than before.

Kaidan studied her before speaking. "We were all teenagers being shipped off to this space station in the middle of nowhere. One day we would come home from whatever and be whisked away. Long story short, we were pushed to breaking points. Some kids didn't make it." He swallowed nervously, gaze going back over the the artificial pool. "Ther was this one girl, Rahna...beautiful, smart, and charming as hell. Kind of like you. Uh, ma'am." He coughed as Carinne smiled a little. "One day she went to reach for a glass of water instead of doing it with biotics - just wanted a drink without a bloody nose, y'know? - and Vyrnnus broke her arm for it. I stood up. Didn't know what I was going to do, just...I needed to do _something_. Vyrnnus lost it, beat the crap out of me, kept shouting they should've bombed us back to the stone age. That's when the knife came up - full military-issue talon, right in my face. I cut loose, full biotic kick, right in the teeth; almost as strong as I can manage now. At seventeen, that's something."

Carinne studied him; while he had been recalling the event, he had gotten tense, shoulders slightly hunched in. He was not proud of this as some soldiers may have been, and it was obvious this had a significant impact on his personality.

"You wanted to help a girl you cared for, Alenko," she said. "That's a noble thing."

Kaidan shook his head, shifting his weight to his left side and looking back at Carinne. "Maybe my intentions were noble, but I...I lost control," he sighed. "I killed him, Shepard. I snapped his neck." His gaze dropped to the floor again before returning back to hers. "Maybe they could've saved him if they got him to an infirmary quick enough, but...they didn't. It caused a stir when they sent him home and BAat was shut down. Conatix folded a couple of years later. Rahna was fine, but...she was terrified of me after that." He cleared his throat out and scratched the back of his head, waving to a passing asari waitress for some drinks to be brought over.

Carinne allowed a soft smile to cross her face. "So that's why you're so self-controlled."

"I'm no more disciplined than another other biotic, Shepard," he said, shaking his head again. "This is all ancient history."

She smirked as she studied him again. "You agonize over doing the right thing, never let yourself lose control, because Rahna spurned you after Vyrnnus died."

"That's-," he stammered. "Al-alright, _maybe_ you have a point. Maybe. But I'm okay, you don't have to worry about me. Fully functional human being. I won't be a burden on you. On the crew."

Carinne's smirk grew into another smile . "Kaidan, you're a strong man. Talking about this doesn't make you a whiner, it doesn't make you immature, it makes you human."

Kaidan coughed before smiling again. "Alright, but it's embarrassing that you had to tell me that. You're right, I might need to loosen up a little. I'll try." He looked up at her, a half-smile on his face. "I'm glad you'll be here when it's over Shepard, I'm uh, I'm looking forward to some shore leave."

"Are you?" she laughed. "If this stunt we're pulling works, I'll be right there with you."

The asari waitress came by with their drinks at that moment, and as the two were enjoying the quieter area, Anderson nearly marched over.

"Shepard, I order you to remove your pilot," he said, voice strained with annoyance and showing just a little bit of alcohol. "He's creating a disturbance."

Shepard sighed, going to down her drink when Anderson took it from her. "Hey!" she cried out, a frown appearing on her face.

Anderson shook his head and tossed the contents into a nearby plant. "No. You're not even supposed to be near alcohol."

Kaidan finished his drink off quickly and looked at Carinne with a raised eyebrow. She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Fine. I'll go get Joker. Alenko, you're coming with me."

"Aye, aye, ma'am," he responded, easily keeping up with the brisk pace she set. "You aren't allowed alcohol, ma'am?" He meant to make a light joke out of, if just to make her laugh again, but was not expecting the scowl he received. "Uh, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought that up."

"It's not something the public ever needs to find out about," she muttered. "Ask another time because I'm not in the mood right now." They arrived at the bar to find Joker more smashed than when they last saw him, and he was now trying to flirt with the turian bartender. The turian's patience was obviously wearing thin. Carinne went over to him and stood next to him, arms crossed and glaring. "Joker."

He looked up at her, drunken grin on his face. "Heeeeeey! Commander! I forgot you were here!"

Carinne rolled her eyes. "I'm the reason _why_ you're here, Joker. You've had way too much to drink and we're going back to the _Normandy_ now."

He frowned - Carinne would say he pouted but she was trying to give the man some dignity -and began loudly protesting. She simply took the handle on his wheelchair (eternally grateful she'd thought ahead not to get him a modern automated one) and turned him around. She nodded to Anderson as the trio left the hall and headed back to the ship.


End file.
